i just want to feel safe in my own skin

and then there was Rilke

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 04:33:05 GMT

precisely in the deepest and most important matters, we are unspeakably alone; and many things must happen, many things must go right, a whole constellation of events must be fulfilled, for one human being to successfully advise or help another.

There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must," then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your while life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse. Then come close to Nature. Then, as if no one had ever tried before, try to say what you see and feel and love and lose. Don't write love poems; avoid those forms that are too facile and ordinary: they are the hardest to work with, and it takes great, fully ripened power to create something individual where good, even glorious, traditions exist in abundance. So rescue yourself from these general themes and write about what your everyday life offers you; describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the Things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember. If your everyday life seems poor, don't blame it; blame yourself; admit to yourself that you are not enough of a poet to call forth its riches; because for the creator there is not poverty and no poor, indifferent place. And even if you found yourself in some prison, whose walls let in none of the world's sounds - wouldn't you still have your childhood, that jewel beyond all price, that treasure house of memories? Turn your attentions to it. Try to raise up the sunken feelings of this enormous past; your personality will grow stronger, your solitude will expand and become a place where you can live in the twilight, where the noise of other people passes by, far in the distance. - And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to inte4rest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it. A work of art is good if it has arisen out of necessity. That is the only way one can judge it. So, dear Sir, I can't give you any advice but this: to go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows; at its source you will find the answer to the question whether you must create. Accept that answer, just as it is given to you, without trying to interpret it. Perhaps you will discover that you are called to be an artist. Then take the destiny upon yourself, and bear it, its burden and its greatness, without ever asking what reward might come from outside. For the creator must be a world for himself and must find everything in himself and in Nature, to whom his whole life is devoted.

hings aren't all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsayable than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures beside our own small, transitory life.

will you be my shoulder?

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 04:25:11 GMT

no price is too high to pay for the privledge of owning yourself.

thank god that price if almost paid.

well, at least i have sympathies

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 19:40:38 GMT

so i have no housing as of yet for school meaning that i won't be able to go back to school this semester. so, that completely screws me over entirely. like - way over. i can't not go to school. I'm fucked. And the thing is they tell me this now. three weeks before i am supposed to go back. fuck hartford for being so terrible with stuff like this. i mean my schedule has been changed repeatedly (about 4 maybe 5 times) and that was clearly fruitless since I have no housing at all.

why do i keep just getting screwed over and over and over? why does shit like this always have to happen to me? all the damn time? fuck me. i hate my current sitaution and my life.

planets are moving at the speed of light

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 00:24:28 GMT

i hate that i fail at everything that i try so hard at.

getting fired was not what i wanted but it happened and i can't help but feel like a failure. i wish i wasn't such a screw up.

i hate myself.

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People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

watchin' fever pitch - random

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 23:25:53 GMT

mmmm.........manny........

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all this feels strange and untrue and i won't waste a minute without you......

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intraoffice dating.....is that a good thing? i wonder if i could pull it off.....maybe not? we will see....

murhhhh

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:42:01 GMT

so......i suck at work. i don't understand how i am so terrible with people.....wow....customer service not my thing. i am such an ass...and i hate where i work.....i thought i would like it, but i'm just like....sonia.....

T.C.B. (a.k.a. taking care of business)

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 10:52:17 GMT

first day of work - fuck yeah!

i am already wanting to not go...how great!

cutest pic ever

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 17:04:41 GMT

mm.....work

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 23:25:47 GMT

i might have a job!

yay!

"hey sonia! why don't you join weight watchers with me? you need to lose weight!"

Sat, 27 May 2006 23:38:18 GMT

my mother is an insecure 52 year old woman.

i am a secure 18 year old woman.

what is wrong with this situation?

everyday is a sunday evening

Thu, 25 May 2006 22:29:03 GMT

writing up a resume sucks. i don't want to do this. i should have stuck with art. why did i change?!

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my best friends are coming home this weekened and thank god for that. haven't seen shar since ever. haven't seen diana since december.

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i need to get a job that is in cambridge so i can take the train in since i will not have a car this summer.

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summer plans - in no particular order:
get license
get job
get $$$
get a fuckin' life
get school transfer applications
get books
get an apt. for school since i apprently won't be living on campus next semester
get my independent study together
get my room all cleaned up and fuxed up to my liking
get my damn act together

we treat the situation like it is a hostage situation

Thu, 18 May 2006 23:19:15 GMT

uh...yeah. i hate the fact that my oldest sister is here. it was far better when she wasn't. actually i preferred it when i was no longer living here and it was school time. maybe during winter break i will do a term then. fuck coming home for the family. fuckin' hate my family.

dancing kitty = goodness

Thu, 18 May 2006 17:48:14 GMT

i like my new user pic. actually, my first user pic.

thanks for this shar.

blah blah blah

Fri, 12 May 2006 18:22:06 GMT

fuckin' rain.
fuckin' finals.
fuckin' end of the school year.
fuckin' hate packing.
fuckin' friends leaving.
fuckin' hate the fact that i have to go home.
fuckin' regretting not doing a lot of things.
fuckin' in love with the fact that i did a lot of things.
fuckin' college life is awesome.

fuck college

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 02:59:32 GMT

so much work and no form of motivation what so ever to do it all.

i am FUCKED!

I am so Bored!

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 21:32:39 GMT

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#CDDEFF" align=center>
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'>
<strong>Your Seduction Style: The Coquette</strong>
</font></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#EBF2FF">
<center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whatisyourseductionstylequiz/coquette.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center>
<font color="#000000">
You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get.<br />
Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you.<br />
Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you compelte.<br />
And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.
</font></td></tr></table>
<div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatisyourseductionstylequiz/">What Is Your Seduction Style?</a></div>

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<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#999999" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>You Are Austin</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#CCCCCC"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whatamericancityareyouquiz/austin.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.
You're totally weird and very proud of it.
Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way.

Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatamericancityareyouquiz/">What American City Are You?</a></div>

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<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#999999" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>You Should Be A Poet</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#CCCCCC"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whattypeofwritershouldyoubequiz/poet.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whattypeofwritershouldyoubequiz/">What Type of Writer Should You Be?</a></div>

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<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#EEE9E9" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>How You Are In Love</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#FFFAFA"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/howareyouinlovequiz/rose.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to take more than give in relationships.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/howareyouinlovequiz/">How Are You In Love?</a></div>

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<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#CCCCCC" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>You Are 40% Evil</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/evil-2.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/">How Evil Are You?</a></div>

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<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#DDDDDD" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#EEEEEE"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whatshouldyoumajorinquiz/deep-thinking.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.
You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.

You should major in:

Philosophy
Music
Theology
Art
History
Foreign language</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatshouldyoumajorinquiz/">What Should You Major In?</a></div>

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<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#EEE9E9" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>Your Birth Month is September</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#FFFAFA"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthmonthmeanquiz/morning-glory.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years.
You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian.

Your soul reflects: Devotion, light, and love

Your gemstone: Sapphire

Your flower: Morning Glory

Your colors: Brown and deep blue</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthmonthmeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Month Mean?</a></div>

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<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#BFE9FF" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>Your Five Factor Personality Profile</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#DEF4FF"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/personality.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/">The Five Factor Personality Test</a></div>

thanks chirssie

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 15:44:07 GMT

<td align="center"> Sonia --
[adjective]:

Like in nature to a kangaroo

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

it's amazing what great songs you can find while going through your i-tunes

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 01:49:26 GMT

Marky got with Sharon
And Sharon got Sharice
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar
And Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes
Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

[Chorus]

Another Mikey took a knife
While arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
He caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
Football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
But it only hit his leg
Well it should have been a better shot
And got him in the head
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

[Chorus]

a multitude of casualties.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 23:53:26 GMT

from a piece of my writing:

People come from far to this country. I came from the East to fine purpose and to escape regret. Fate had other plans for me. You can argue that it is better to be neglected by fate then well attended. When it marks you, you can bet your life on change - rarely for the better. The most costly casualty is always the heart. Nothing hurts more than that. Like sacrificing the queen - you can still play, only you can't help but feel that the game is already lost. Strangely, cruelly, a distraught heart keeps beating no matter how hard you wish could stop. So you take another breath. You wake again to the unsympathetic sun. You go through the motions pretending for the entire world to be a warm blooded creature. I came a long way to only fine that purpose doesn't last and regret can burn a whole through any happiness. I made my mistakes and all i have left is my regret to keep me company. Work and books were my friends. I have to come to realize that there isn't so much a cure for regret as a remedy. You can sit and mourn all you did wrong; rise in the empty fantasy of how you could do it better - if only you could go back.

liars

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 21:04:50 GMT

i fucking hate guys.

at least the rainy weather suits my personality.

she will be loved

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 22:34:22 GMT

i won't be satisfied until i'm under your skin.

so yeah......i think i might me interested in a dominican - getting out the white boy shell - thank god.

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the last two nights have been straight up party nights. no joke. friday i came back from partying all night at like 3:30 -3:45. saturday night i came back at around 2:30-3. it was great. i got some great friends.

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i talked to my best friend yesterday for about an hour. it was great. she's going through a lot. her uncle just passed away a few days ago and it's been hard on her and her family. it sucks that i can't comfort her.

she might be able to get me a job at american eagle. thank god. a job!

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i'm happy for the first time in a long time.

anyone want to shoot me in the face?

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 02:20:19 GMT

I know it's not perfect, but it's life. Life is messy sometimes.

the weather is changing and breaking my stride

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 16:17:44 GMT

there i am in the morning - i don't like what i see.

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so i have decided to apply to schools in london. i have to get out of here, and away from my family. live on my own in a foreign country where it felt like home the moment i stepped foot out there. i need to be away from them because all they are doing is dragging me down and constanty making me feel like shit over and over and over no matter what i do. i am so misunderstood in that household that whenever i go back i feel worthless.

another conclusion i have come up with: i want nothing to do with them after college is over. i want a life to myself without my family. i don't respect more than half of them, so what's the point? i need to know that i can live on my own without them, because i already know that i can breathe without all of them.

better run 'cause.....

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 23:01:44 GMT

you know what's great? whenever i have the urge to feel worthless my family always comes through!

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right face. wrong time.

mind the gap

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 15:25:52 GMT

i want to move to london.

that is all.